My World Through My Eyes

A New year a New Blog..

2009-01-01T16:36:00.002-05:00

So with a new year comes man things. I know I have been very absent from my blog. There have been a lot things going on in m life this past year. I continue to loose near and dear friends to Melanoma and it just became very overwhelming for me almost too much for me to bear at one point. Then I had medical issues once again that put me in the hospital several times and I ended up have yet another lung surgery along with a few other operations. But I think the biggest blow in 2008 was my dad being diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. You see my dad is my best friend in the entire world!! Hearing this news made me go into "fix it" mode right away. I was not going to hear the word "die" and my dad in the same sentence that was just not going to fly with me. When I was not comfortable with the first doctor he was at I looked my mom and dad in their eyes and told them how I felt. That if I could beat the odds at stage 4 with my cancer their was no reason why he couldn't with his. I once again went to my maker and prayed for help and guidance. I also turned to those great prayer warriors that prayed over me in my time of need and asked them all to lift my dad and all the doctors taking care of him up in prayer. I am happy to report that my dad has finished up his last round of chemo one month ago. He is in a trial and will continue to take pills (5 of them every day) and he sees his cancer doctor every other week and gets scans every 3 weeks. Please keep him and my mother in your prayers.

Now this is the big news that I have saved for the very end of this entry.

I have decided with the new year I am going to close out this blog. This blog represents a time in my life where I had much sorrow and sadness. I don't want that for myself anymore. I am going to start a new blog so please look for it. I will be posting my creations on it and keeping everyone updated on my dad and of course my 2 boys Zachery and Nathan, boy have they grown!! I will probably be calling it Memory Making Mom and I hope to see you all there!!

Love to all of you!!

Hugs,

Christine :)

It's been a long break....

2008-05-23T12:22:00.005-04:00

I know that many of you have been wondering where I have been and why I haven't posted in such a long time. First let me say how sorry I am for not keeping up. My laptop was having hard drive issues and then the hard drive decided to crash and stupid me never backed up any of the million pictures I had taken....so I have a friend whose husband is a computer whiz who was working on my laptop for the past few months trying very hard to get it back up and running or at the very least trying to retrieve my pictures. Well I finally had to just go out and get another laptop but this time I decided to ditch the PC and go with a MAC. Let me tell you right now everything you have ever heard about MAC's is true... they are better and once you go MAC you DON'T go BACK!! the APPLE pro's were even able to get most of my pics from the fried hard drive of my old pc transfered to m MacBook but it took 2 days to do it because of the condition of the hard drive.

I have had NO problems with my MAC and the best part....no annoying pop up ads you don't have to worry about spyware or anything else. So if any of you are on the fence about switching just do it oh and yes you can install Widows if you really wanted to but I have to tell you I am using their Safari program and have no problem whatsoever.

Okay enough talk about that. Let me bring you all up to speed about what has been going on in my life. My dad has had a relapse with his lung cancer. he just went through a needle biopsy 2 days ago and we won't have the results of that for another 7 days. about 9 years ago he had the middle part of his lung removed due to cancer. Please keep him and my mother in your prayers.

My oldest son Zachery, the cutie with the red hair, has been diagnosed with Aspergers, PDD, ADHD, and Anxiety Disorder. He is struggling in his Kindergarden class and his peers are not accepting him and taking their cues from his how his teacher is disciplining him. I have a mobile therapist that comes to the house to do play therapy with Zach twice a week and a Behavioral Support Counselor that comes to the house and his school that works with him twice a week as well and we are getting a TSS worker too.

Nathan....well Nathan is allll good!! And as for me I am just plain old tired. I still have things nagging cough that seems to be getting worse as times goes on. A recent scan showed a node in the neck and a tumor in the chest somewhere but they saw it's a nothing thing to have to worry about. I can't seem to go outside with out itching and Dr. Riley says he has quite a few patients with the same problem. So now I spend many days inside. It's a real bummer especially when the boys want to be outside playing :(

I sit and watch my little guys getting bigger and thank GOD for each and everyday that I have with them. My heart breaks for all of my fallen friends and for all those that continue to loose their lives to this horrid disease.

I still continue to struggle with my survivorship and why GOD continues to spare me, but I also know that we are never to question him too. I have always known that GOD had a special plan for me and maybe it was to annoy the crap out of as many people as possible, just kidding, I guess what I am trying to say is I know in my heart of hearts that there is a REAL reason why GOD spares me and chooses to keep me here and when he is ready for me he will let me know. For now I plan on doing what I know how to do best.....taking great pictures of my sweeties and enjoying my time with them.

So for your viewing pleasure here are some pictures of my 2 handsome guys for you all to enjoy..... Until next time my friends....

Much Love,

Christine :)

A Tribute to some Special Warriors...

2007-12-26T16:52:00.002-05:00

I wanted to have a special tribute for ALL the warriors that have passed from Melanoma. So I decided to get black balloons and write their names on the balloons and send them off on Christmas day. Here are the pics of me preparing the balloons the night before and sending them off the next day!!!! I send some brightly colored ones off for all of us, "The ground troops" that are still fighting the fight!!!!

The names of those special Warriors in no particular order are:

Bradley Dean Theilsen
Cat Melanie
Pamela Kay Heuslein
Frank
Jim Schlipman
Alison de
Jong Russell Chirico
Krissy
Cindy Blanc
Monica
MaryAnn May
Karen
Doris Mize
IMO
Dawn Stearns
Donnie Forbis
Barnara Brown
John Fla
Lauralyn
Jarrett Boston
Charles (He had his own balloon due to
birthday being on Christmas)
Frank M (Boston Area)
Gail Nikles
Jon Warrington
Lorik
Kathy from Texas
Howard
John in Florida
Trooper Drew
Randy Evans
"Green Monster" Ron
Camilla FL
Michael
Dan Siskowic
Kag (Kathy)
Shayna
Luckyangel
Lottaguns
Mike from OK
Cindy Trauble
Tony
Lyn from OZ
Karen from Indiana
Jarrett from Boston
Nate Thompson
Jimmy Bishop
Mike
Holly Beth Moody Broussard
Glenda Davis
Lesley Czyz
Kim Hanley from Iowa
Kim Wheeler
Shelia
Dawn C
Rusty
"Silly Jillie"
Ken Luke
Joe Tuso
Shelia NB
Bill Walley JR
Joann Horaney Atwood
Sarah Toller
Curt Faus Jr.
Dan Geise
Rob from Va
Mandi
Jaimie
Krissi
Beckyts
Brad
Lester Pickel
Michael George Miles
Calvin Webster
Michael Davilla
Ceri
Michelle Caldwell
Shannon
Heather
Eden
Julie Lyons
Garry Tyson
Barbara GA
Jamie
Maria Carroll Luna
Bryce Brown
Mike

I though it would be a nice idea to make some bright colored balloons and put some names of those of us that are here fighting this beast and send those balloons up with the other ones!!! I called us "The ground troops". I could not remember everyones names so I went to the board and looked some up. There are just so many of us so I blew up a bunch of colored balloons wo we could all take flight with our friends for support. So here are some pics of me preparing all of the balloons the night before for the journey.

Here is the special Birthday balloon for Charles. His birthday is on Christmas day so on his balloon i wished him a Happy Birthday from all of us!!!!

Here I am out on Spring Street with my 2 little guys Zachery and Nathan and my best friend's little guy Ryan.

I get some help from Jenn,Ryan,Zachery and Nathan...

Nathan sends a balloon off!!!!
Zachery gives a hug to one of his balloons before sending it up!!!
Colored balloons for "The grounds Troops"...

Any families that would like any of these pictures sent to them please email me at cmonarch@ptd.net and I will gladly forward them to you.

For those of you that have never been effected by Melanoma let me leave you with a few facts:
One person ever hour dies from Melanoma.
60% of Melanoma's come from sun exposure the other 40% are from irregular moles.
EVERYONE SHOULD GO FOR SKIN CHECKS
Melanoma does not discriminate!!! You can be dark complected and still have it.
You can LIVE with this disease.
This disease DOES NEED Funding you can do that by going to http://www.melanoma.org/

Twas the night before Christmas...

2007-12-26T16:27:00.000-05:00

And all through my house both Zachery and Nathan were sleeping so nice and quite was my house. I sat on my couch enjoying "Dublin Mudslide Ben Jerry's" new flavor when all of a sudden I heard tiny foot steps coming down the top stairs. I sprang to my feet to see who it was, I knew it had to be my little guy Nathan trying get a little peak!!! So I took him by his hand and lead him back up the stairs, got him tucked in my bed next to his brother and gave him a kiss. He went back to sleep and I went back to my ice cream....Grabbed my camera to take a pic of my two little guys. They looked so cute sleeping so soundly on this Christmas Eve....I love them so dearly and I know they love me!!!!!

A Birthday Celebration!!!!

2007-11-21T12:37:00.000-05:00

Well we had yet another birthday celebration!!!! Nathan turned 5 years old on November 13th!!!

Another milestone for me~ I remember when he was only 8 weeks old and being told I had only months left to live!!! And now he was turning 5 and here I am to celebrating it with him!!!!

Here are some highlights from our gathering to celebrate Nathan turning 5!!!!

Nathan shows off his new talent of balancing a spoon in his chin!!!!

Ryan enjoys his cake too!!!

Owen takes a test taste before diving in!!!

el
Zachery....Well we all know how Zachery is he just dives right into the cake!!!

And so did his side kick Brady!!!!

It was just a great night and I truly enjoyed having another year with BOTH of my boys!!!!
Happy Birthday Nathan!!!

Love,
Mommy

A Tribute To Shannon...

2007-11-08T14:04:00.000-05:00

Welcome to a very special entry. When another warrior and friend had lost her battle to Melanoma I was devastated beyond words. We had been friends for several years and she had reached out to me for support and I found it much too hard to call her back. I had just had the tip of my tongue removed and I was just so overcome with depression with the loss of many others on our support board and with my dear friend Shannon getting more sick that I was afraid that I would not be able to find the words to help her. So instead I just did nothing.... I emailed her and she understodd but I still felt guilty. She was such a great person!!! Then I got the call on Sunday morning from my best friend Jenn....the call that never
wanted to get...."Chris...are you awake??it's me Jenn...Shannon has passed away..." I sat up took a deep breathe and told her I would have to call her back and just sat in my bed and sobbed hard..really hard!!! I don't even remember if I called her back that day or not. I was so mad at myself!! How could I let my friend down like that??? I hit a wall so hard I crahsed and it hurt!!! I shut eveyone out and I was beating on myself and I wasn't letting up. Then one day at 4:30 I decided to get in my car and go down to my church to talk to my pastor. I didn't have an appointment but he had a few minutes to spare. He asked me if I thought that Shannon was mad with me. That made me think... He asked if I was mad at myself for not calleing her back that day or if I was mad that she had died from this disease and not me?? Was I upset with being a survivor??? He felt that maybe just maybe my real issue was with the fact that I was carry alot of guilt around because I have Stage IV Melanoma and have survived for longer than what was expected but yet many others around me are not. He said that I try to support others but them I fall short at the end and then I beat myself up for that and then what good is what I do if I do that??? He was right. If I want to do good and help other Melanoma patients and their famalies then I have to do it right!!! So I went home and got onto 2peas.com one of my scrapbooking message boards and made a plea for some help with making an memorial album for Ed and Allanah and Ryan, Shannon's kids. I posted my story and Shannon's story and a link to her blog so they could read her story and get a sense of what Shannon was all about. Before I knew it I had a ton of women responding and saying that they would help me out and make layouts. So the end reslut are these amamzing layouts that are now on their way to Ed. They filled up 4 albums!!! Layouts were sent to me from all over..Canda,California,Australia just to anme a few places. Some women took pictures right from Shannon's blog to use on the layouts. The thought and intense emotion that has gone into these is just amazing!!!! I could not have pulled this off with out the help of all of these very talented women!!!! Thank you!!!!

Rest in Peace My Friend Bryce...

2007-11-02T20:34:00.000-04:00

I am a few days late in getting this up here but I have been trying to think of how I wanted to do this. My friend Bryce was laid to rest on Tuesday October 30th. There was an outstanding 700 people that attended his services!!! I had been up late Sunday night trying to find a flight to get me out there so I could be there but trying to get a flight that would have me back home in time to be with the boys for trick or treating was impossible. I struggled with what to do and went back and forth in my mind but I just couldn't let the boys down. I sadly had to email Tammy and let her know that I was not going to make it there for the services, I was extremely sad and down about missing it. I sent her text messages that morning saying "Hugs 4 U" and she replied telling me how beautiful Brycey looked!!! Later I had gotten and email from her telling me how the services went. Bryce was truly an AMAZING and AWESOME person!!! Tammy said that 40 members of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir filled the large chapel with beautiful music.
Tammy gave such a beautiful description of what the day was on her blog that I have linked http://www.brycedbrown.com/journal/2007/11/week-in-a-fog.html
Here is a small piece of what she said:

The funeral lasted two hours, and none of it was boring. I tried to check out the crowd, but it was hard to see who was there—as I said, I have been in a fog. As we followed the casket outside (I'm sure the pallbearers were glad Bryce lost all that weight--you guys must have one longer arm today ;) to the vehicles, Nic sped around the corner with a SWEET new Porsche in which to transport me to the cemetery. How he scored the use of that car for the day, I’ll never know. It was fitting, as Bryce was a Porsche fanatic. We like to think Bryce was in there with us, saying, “Come on—let’s see what this baby can do!” (Incidentally, we saw what that baby could do after the burial. That car rocks.) Bryce was buried on the hillside, close to his younger brother Brian. Brady dedicated the grave with a beautiful prayer. The weather was perfect, the flowers were beautiful, and many people honored Bryce’s fight by laying their “We’re Killing Cancer” wristbands on the casket. I also saw a few of the wristbands decorating several headstones around the cemetery. It made me sick to think Bryce was caged up in the casket and would be under the ground. I hated it.

If you have never had a chance to read Bryce and Tammy's blog I strongly suggest you bookmark it because as she says, she has only just begun....

A Very Sad Day For Myself and others...

2007-10-26T15:49:00.000-04:00

I don't even know how to start this entry. Yesterday I had my mom come over in the afternoon to stay with the boys so I could run some errands. It's just easier sometimes to get in and out of the stores by myself than with 2 little boys. Anyway, when I left my house I drove the opposite direction of the way I needed to be going. Okay so no biggie I figured an alternate way to get to AC Moore going the way I was going. I get to AC Moore get what I need, walk out of the store and I am not one to just walk out into the parking lot without stopping to make sure there is not a car coming but this time I did not even stop or look I just walked right out into the parking lot like I was the only person there. Well next I know I here brakes screeching and horn blowing a a lady screaming with a cell phone up to her ear and I thought to myself " maybe I should have brought the boys with me because if they were with me I KNOW I NEVER would have done that just now". So now I get in my car thinking I am just out of sorts because I am not use to being out by myself without kids!?! I start my car and start to drive to Shoprite to pick up stuff for dinner. Everything is going fine until I realize that I am almost at my house and I never stopped at Shoprite. So I turn around, head towards Shoprite got to an intersection that I drive about 30 times a day and I go the wrong way on the ONE WAY ROAD!!!! Now I am thinking WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME!!??????!!!! I get to Shoprite get the items I need, I think, and now I am on my way home. My poor mother has probably thought I have taken off to Atlantic City by now or something close to that. I am driving along and my phone beeped letting me know I got a text message. I knew it could be from only one person..My friend Tammy Brown. I picked up my phone from the seat to see what it said the time was 5:57:54 PM (EST) The message read : "Brycey left us today. Kick Mel's butt for him!"I screamed in my car "GOD NO!!!! NO NO NO GOD NO !!!!" I pulled over and called Tammy when she answered all I could hear was my dearest friend sobbing. There was no "Hello" between us. I immediately said "Tell me you made a mistake typing" "This is a mistake right" Tammy this isn't true right" Please Tammy tell me Bryce didn't pass PLEASE TAMMY PLEASE!!" But all I hear was Tammy say to me " You need to kick it's ass for Bryce. I fell to pieces!!!!! I got to hear the sound of Bryce's voice a few days ago right before the put the feeding tube in him. We spoke briefly on the phone and I am SO grateful for the last few seconds of hearing his voice. As I sit here right now typing and crying I can still hear his voice from that day. He sounded so weak. WE both thanked each other for having known each other. We both praised GOD!!! We both said "I love you my friend".
I have only had the pleasure of having Tammy and Bryce in my life for only a few months but the impact they have both made on me has made it seem and feel like a lifetime. Tammy is like a sister to me and Bryce well he is like....He is like what you hope and pray you own boys grow up and be like!!!

So for my friend Bryce Brown may you rest in peace my friend. May you know how much you are loved, missed and never forgotten.
For my dearest friend Tammy... I love you so very much, I will continue to walk beside you. I promise to continue Bryce's fight and as I get ready to embark on hitting the local high schools and talking to them about tanning and this beast we call Melanoma I will do in honor of your husband and soul mate and my friend Bryce Brown.

What I am thankful for!!

2007-10-22T21:36:00.000-04:00

I want to share a layout with all of you that I had done a few months ago. I loved these photos I had taken of the boys in the back yard and decided to use them in a circle journal I am a part of. The journal topic was "What you are thankful for" so this is what I came up with. ENJOY!!!

I really enjoyed picking out all the elements that went into this layout. I inked all the chipboard letters and the cardstock edges. I had just gotten my new Epson personal photo printer and was having fun being able to print 2x2 photos!!! Can you tell???

This is the journaling on the inside flap it reads:
"This is Zachery A.K.A Zachey Poo. He is my miracle boy!! Born 3 1/2 wks early and with fluid on his brain, we were not sure that he would make it but here he is. He has my personality!!! He is kind,sweet,fun,loving and a clown!!! There is a soft gently side to him that is so touching. Sometimes he gets me so mad and then the next minute he comes up on my lap and runs his hand on my face and says "mommy I wish I could take my hands all over your body and wipe all the cancer off of you" and I just look in his eyes and say "me too buddy" and we hug and kiss each other and tell each other how much we love each other and then I tickle him so I can hear his cute laugh. I tell him and his brother that he is my sun my moon my stars and my rainbow my everything!! I live for my 2 boys!!!

Nathan's Journaling reads: This is Nathan A.K.A Don Won. He is my BIG FLIRT!!! He can sniff out a pretty girl 15 blocks away and play shy at the drop of a dime!!! One of mine and Nathan's favorite things to do is play Fuzzy Face". That's when we rub the sides of our faces together on each others cheecks... "Fuzzy Face". I love that when I pick him up at the end of his day at pre-school he is always excited to see me and runs to me saying "mommie"it makes my heart smile so big!!! When I go away I leave notes for him and his brother and I tell them that the angels bring them and puts them under their pillow at nights so they can find them in the morning. They love finding those notes when mommy is away and I love hearing their excited voices when they tell me about their notes.

Just about 85% of my scrapbooking is about Zachery and Nathan. I am starting to scrapbook more about me and my cancer. I am also starting to work on albums for other cancer survivors and for families that have lost loved ones to this beast of a disease Melanoma. I have 4 gorgeously designed albums ready to ship off to a husband that lost his wife recently to Melanoma. My Friend Shannon recently lost her battle a few months back and I really struggles with this loss!!! When she called me I wasn't able to call her back because I had just had the tip of my tongue removed and I too was facing some serious health issues so we emailed each other. She got more sick and went downward rather quickly. I withdrew after having been at Michelle's bedside 5 day's before she had passed I just knew what Shannon was going through and for my own selfish reasons I just could not go through it again. She had called again but I could not bring myself to return the call. Then I got the phone call 8 am Sunday morning while I should have been waking up to get ready for church my best friend called to tell my that Shannon had passed. I sat up in my bed and I cried so hard. I was so disappointed in myself and ashamed!!! How could I turn my back on my friend. I had been friend's with Shannon for 3 years and when she needed me most I turned my back out of fear!! I went into a very dark place a huge slump a plce I would go every so often when the Melasuckonoma would just get to be just too much for me to take anymore. It's a place where I don't let anyone in...not my friends, not my family, not even GOD. It's a cold dark place. I don't allow any food or drinking there because that would show surviving and that's not allowed there. All that was allowed there was self pitty and that was it!!! So there I was in my "Special place" not returning phone calls...ignoring the doorbell and knocks on the door...not eating...not showering.... taking care of the kids because I had no choice....but that was it.....nothing more nothing less...and then one day something happened to me. I got in my car and drove down the street to my church and poped in on my pastor unannounced. He had a small amount of time to talk with me but I can't even tell you what that 30 minutes did for me!!! He told me that I was more mad at myself than Shannon probably was and that I was probably more of a friend to her than I was giving myself credit for. He said that I needed to stop feeling so bad about being a survivor and decide what I was going to do with it. It was right there that I went home and felt the need to do something for Shannon's family to help them live with Shannon's memories. I went onto one of my scrapbooking message boards and made a post asking some ladies if they would help me with a project. The response I got was overwhelming!!! Ladies from PA to Canada to Hawaii to Alaska all came together, read Shannon's blog and each and every one of them made beautiful 12x12 scrapbook layouts and sent them to me. Some even printed out pictures from Shannon's blog and used them on the layouts others made the layouts and left them so that Ed and his family can decide what pictures they can use. I had albums donated from a Scarpbook store called the Crop Room and my friend Julie donated some as well. There is a special album just for Ed of layouts done up to celebrate the life and love that him and Shannon shared. There are 3 more albums, 1 is dedicated to camping, they loved to go camping, this one also includes some holiday layouts, another album is dedicated to their daughter Allanah and the final album is dedicated to their son Ryan. All of these layouts are geared towards putting pictures in of them with Shannon.
In my next post I will post some of my favorite layouts from these albums so you all can get an idea of the love that went into this.
I spoke with Ed a few nights ago to tell him what I had put together for him and the kids. He was in tears!!! He said that Shannon spoke about me alot and how she found it easy to be herself when she would talk to me. She said I was the closest thing to being a wise ass just like her and that's why she felt that way chatting with me. I really miss emailing with her. Every time I am cleaning up my IN box of emails I come across her last email to me and I read it and cry just a little. I still can't hit that "delete" button.
Anyway I will be carrying this big supper heavy box to the post office tomorrow to send off to Ed and the kids.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ZACHERY!!!

2007-10-12T00:49:00.000-04:00

I am sitting here getting ready to go to bed but before I can I have one more very important thing I MUST do!! I have to make a Birthday card to leave under Zachery's pillow from the Birthday Fairy. He is so excited about his birthday!! Tomorrow he is turning 6 years old and I just can not believe it!!! 6 years old!!! I just don't know where the time has gone!!! I think back to when I was 5 months pregnant with him and hearing that he had fluid on the brain and the high risk there was with giving birth to him, I was already a high risk with having the cancer but this added to it. Plus I had a very high HCG level that was still tripling every week. I was HUGE to say the least and had to have 2 different types of stress testing done every week. They tried to induce me 3 different times but he was having no part of it. The fourth trip the intern was going to send me home until I grabbed his shirt and told him this baby was coming out of me one way or another if I had to take matters into my own hands I would but no way was I going home again!!! 32 hours of hard labor, a failed epidural and a husband that kept falling asleep and eating in front of me and him and a friend standing at my feet chanting "Push him out push him out Rah Rah Rah" and then suddenly Zachery's heart rate dropped and before I knew it they were running my bed down to the surgical suite. They did an emergency C-section. When they first got him out of me there was no crying, no screaming, not a sound.... the nurses rushed him over to the warmer and I could hear them talking and I hear the doctor ask for the Apgar and the nurse tells him 3. I looked at Jay and I said that's not good go be with the baby...then we hear a little tiny cry they said I could have a quick look but they needed to get the baby to the nursery. I thought I would see my baby soon after. A few hours later while I was resting in my room my parents showed up to see their new grandson. The look on their faces when they walked in my room after going to the nursery scared the crap out of me...I still had not held my baby boy. My mom asked if I had seen the baby yet at which I replied no they have not been in with him yet, she looked at me and started to cry. I started yelling that someone had better tell me what the hell is going on that's when a nurse came in and told me. Zachery still had some fluid on the brain but there was another problem...both of his lungs were full of fluid and he is having a hard time breathing on his own. They need to take him to the NI CU unit to be watched and taken care of. Zachery was 2 1/2 days old before I got to hold him for the very first time!!! And now....well now I just never want to let go of him!!!!! Anytime I go away I leave notes for him and his brother Nathan and the notes are always from an "Angel" letting them know how much mommy loves them. I tell them that I can e-mail the angels and that I can call them on special cell phones. Zachery has had to watch me go through so much with my cancer battle and as I was finding these pictures to post tonight I was actually looking for a certain layout that I had taken a pic of that I did recently that I wanted to post, if I find it I will post it another time. Zachery's birthday is always like an anniversary for me because it's like I made it another year!!! I came so close to losing him when he was born, that poor baby was born so sick...8 days in NI CU and then when he was 8 weeks old he ended up back in the hospital with meningitis and that was scary as well. He is a special little boy!!! So Happy Birthday Zachery!!! Mommy Loves Whole Big Huge Bunches!!!!

2007-10-04T21:00:00.000-04:00

Lost and then Found !!!!
Yes that's right... the one time very lost media cards have been found!!! On Thursday October 4th at exactly 9:56 EST after I had torn my entire scrapping area apart for what has felt like the 100th time looking for the scandisk case I keep them in, I once agaain looked in this small black tool bag that I have some 6x6 layout kits in. I had looked in there so many other times but I had only looked in the front were I would have thought I would put it, this time I decided to look towards the back and BAM!!!! There they were!!!!
And I was just thinking to myself....and don't laugh..."Geez I remember when I used to be Catholic we use to pray to some saint some type of prayer when we had something lost and we needed it found, I sure we I could remember that darn prayer right now" and then suddenly that was when I found them....
Guess that saint heard me thinking about that.
In any case I will be back in my photo shooting mode and it's gonna be a nice weekend too.
Tomorrow I promised Zachery I would take him to a Field Hockey game after school. His Kindergarten teacher is an assistant coach on the high school team so I thought he would like that. After we are going for ice cream just me and him and the camera.
Come back tomorrow to see the pics of our special time together.
Until then....
Christine

"I Find you SIMPLY Fascinating "

2007-10-02T22:25:00.000-04:00

This is what was told to me today while I sat wearing a lovely white paper robe. A man I had just met....well..okay he was the dermatologist that I was seeing for the first time but still he is a Man and this was the first time we had ever met...Anyway he kept saying that he found me to be "Simply Fascinating"! Wait a minute!! It wasn't really me that he found Simply Fascinating it was my Melanoma that he found Simply Fascinating!!! Well isn't that just a kick in the ass??? Here I am sitting there just about naked for the first time in YEARS in front of a man and he has the nerve to find my stupid cancer SIMPLY FASCINATING....NOT ME !!!!!! There you have it once again I lose out to this stupid cancer I just can't win can I??? Then to add salt to my wounds, so to speak, he decides he needs to do 2, not just 1 but 2 skin biopsies. Yeah because once he used his groovy little black light thing it turns out what everyone though was viteligo is NOT viteligo. It seems that this doctor thinks that my body is having a long term toxic reaction to the high dose IL-2 I had done back in 2003. this now makes this the 3rd doctor to suggest this. Of course my cancer doctors say "No Way! Impossible" I had another doctor not too long ago suggest that the Il-2 had reeved up my immune system so much that now my immune system is attacking my own body and that the cancer is not killing me but in fact it's my own immune system now that is killing me. Since April to today I have now lost a total of 84 pounds. Trust me I could stand to lose about 60 more and still live but how it's happening is no picnic for me. What is going on everyday with my body is getting worse and I can see the signs that Dr. B spoke to me about being malnourished. My throat pain is only getting worse and talking has become more painful for me. My most recent PET/CT showed an uptake in the vocal cord and adenoids. It also showed an uptake in the left ovary and the right femur. the right femur was such a small uptake that I have decided to just wait and watch this as it may be another case of bone marrow again. The ovary well... I went through the same thing with the right one and when we removed the right one there was a tumor, it was not Melanoma yet but the report read that it had the potential to turn into Melanoma. I really can't go for any surgery right now with my mom still recovering from her ordeal and all she is doing is laying around. She left her spirometer at the hospital so now her throat is hurting and she won't let me get her another one. She is tired and weak from laying around and I was afraid this would happen. My father won't leave the house because he doesn't want to leave her alone. My dad calls me 4 times a day and when I tell him I can't talk he gets upset and wants to know why he doesn't understand how painful it is for me to talk. Then if he does come over for 10 minutes he lights up a stupid cigarette and I start coughing my head off. I love my dad but for crying out loud!!! I have cancer, my throat is killing me, you have lung disease do you really think it's doing either one of us any good you lighting that stupid ugly thing up in my freaking face????

OKAY.......I am done venting.... Can you all guess that I did not have a very good day today?? I think the dermatologist just set me off.. Sorry about all that.
I promise to make a happier post tomorrow.

Oh one more thing I need a HUGE PRAYER... I can not find my media cards for my camera and if you know me you know I can not even go a day without shooting pictures of the kids playing outside so this could be another reason for my crankiness right now. So please if you could pray that I am able to find them soon I would appreciate it Thanks!!!

Does it get any better than this ???

2007-09-26T22:39:00.000-04:00

Oh my goodness!!! Does it get any better than this??? Let's see where do I start???
Last Friday afternoon my mom was rushed to our local hospital. She had been in bed sick as a dog since Tuesday but had refused to call her doctor or go to the hospital. Every time my dad would come over and tell me that she is worse I would tell him that she will go when she is ready. He couldn't understand how I could stay so calm about it. I figured getting upset was not going to change anything. So every night I would pray for the Lord to work his magic on my mom to help her see that she need to seek medical attention. Well finally Friday morning the Lord gave my mother the strength she needed to be able to get out of bed an into the shower, this is what was preventing her from going to the hospital to begin with, she needed a shower. Well, long story short, they took her in for emergency surgery. She had 5 hernias obstructing her small intestines. They said had she waited one more day she would have died!!! DIED!!!! Here I am the one with cancer and my mom came closer to death that day than me!!!
So now I am running back and forth to the hospital to see her and talking with the doctors because my dad is not understanding a word they are saying to him. I am taking care of my 2 little guys and that Monday I was scheduled for a PET/CT scan, Tuesday I was scheduled to discuss the results of my colonscopy from the previous Monday and Thursday I see my Orthopedic surgeon. Well it's now 10:46 Wednesday night and I am so tired I can barely keep my eyes open. My oldest guy Zachery is now sick, today is my mom's 70th Birthday and she is still in the hospital. Me and the boys were supposed to go and see her and we were not able to do that due to Zachery having a 102.6 fever. My friend Bryce Brown is not doing well at all and I was praying for him while I was driving and there was a telephone repair truck in front of me and he had one of those "cherry picker bucket" things on the back and the rest of the back of the truck was all open and all this crap came flying out and hitting my car. Coffe cups, boxes and then out of no where a circuar saw blade hurling right at the passenger side of my windshield, I veered off the road and it dinged of the top of my car and then into the grass. The truck moved oner into the right lane and I flagged to him to pull over. We both got out and I had tears running down my face. He asked if I was okay and I told him that I had been praying for my friend Bryce Brown who has cancer and all this crap started flying out of the back of your truck. He was such a sweet guy he felt horrible and said it wasn't his normal truck and the guy that the truck belongs to never cleans up after himself. He jumped into the back of the truck and said "Crap the saw blade is gone!!!" I said yea it just about killed me. He jumped back down and asked if there was anything he could do for me I told him there was 2 things he could do. He put his hand on my arm and said anything just tell me. I said first when you get back to work you must tell all of your co workers to NEVER EVER leave anything in the back of their trucks again!!!!NOT even a coffee cup!!!And second you must pray for my friend Bryce Brown!!! He said absolutely I will. He again said how sorry he was and as he climbed back into his truck he yelled "Hey Lady I hope your friend Bryce Brown is going to be okay but I promise I will pray for him" I said thanks and left.
So for tonight....Does it get any better than this?????
Let's review...
I came very close to loosing my mom this past week..
I came within inches of loosing my life, or at the very least half of my windshield....
I met a complete stranger who is right now praying for my friend Bryce Brown...
Does it get any better than this????

Oh and my inspiration behind fighting this disease and having this blog...
check out the picture at the top...

Melasuckanoma really SUCKS

2007-09-19T19:43:00.000-04:00

I have to say I don't really bitch to awfully much about having this disease but lately I am getting sick of having it. Monday I had the pleasure of having a colonoscopy and I am still not feeling quite myself yet. Monday I am scheduled for a PET/CT where I get to drink Barium before the 3 hour test and I am not able to eat or drink for 6 hours prior to having the test. Then the next day I have to be at the hospital at 9 am sharp to see the doctor that did the colonoscopy because he said that it was important that he talks to me. Okay so that doesn't worry me at all right?? Then I have to see the Pulmunologist because my chest xray showed a bulge in the right lung and I have had this wicked cough that has gotten worse since April and I am having a hard time breathing. My Sed Rate has been sky high and I can't keep anything in me and I am dropping weight like crazy which is the only thing that is not bothering me right now. I have a ton of scrapping jobs on my plate right now, craft fairs coming up and I realy don't have time to be laid up with tests and doctors appointments. It seems like this stupid disease always messes up things around this time of year for me!!! Always when I have a chance to make some money so that for one year I can actually make Christmas happen for my kids without having to rely on the people from my church making it happen for them. Just once I would like to be the one putting the smiles on their cute little faces. Today Nathan had an accident in his pants because I was in the bathroom going potty and he started crying. I told him that I was not mad at him and that I just needed him to take his shoes off so I could change his pants but he got mad and said it was my fault that he peed his pants. Lately him and Zachery seem to be blaming everything that goes wrong on me. I guess because they hear their dad blaming everything on me so they figure they should blame everything on me too. I started crying when Nathan blamed peeing in his pants on me. I felt like what next??? What will they blame on me next??? I already carry on my shoulders that if either one of them end up with this horrible disease that it will be because of me so what next???? My mom blames me for me having Melanoma, I blame me for having it, my kids blame me for everything that goes wrong in their little lives everyday, my husband blames me for our failed marriage, I blame myself for my failed life so what next????? About the only thing I feel like I can ever do right is minister to others in their time of need that's it...so I guess that's what's next.....
Peace and love to all...

A day I thought I would NEVER see!!!!

2007-09-08T02:14:00.000-04:00

Zachery started Kindergarten this past Tuesday and it had to be THE HAPPIEST day in my life!!! Why you ask??? Well because we all thought that I would not live long enough to see this day happen!!! While all the other mom's were sobbing and weeping as their little tykes walked away from them down the hallways with their teachers, their went my Zachery waving to me and blowing me kisses saying "Bye mommy" I love you mommy" I see you later mommy" and I waved back to him blowing him kisses and replied back with "Zach watch where you are going buddy" ( he never watches where he is walking), anyway, I walked out of the building so proud of my little boy and so proud of myself. I am so proud of myself for starring straight into the face of Melanoma and fighting it. I had a 4%chance of living a year and that was back in 2003 and here it is....September 2007 and I am still here ALIVE AND STRONG!!!!! TAKING CARE OF MY TWO BOYS AND STILL FIGHTING!!!! I am so inspired by my new friend Bryce Brown who has been given a 1% chance of beating this disease. I have become great friends with both him and his darling wife Tammy and I love them both dearly. I pray for them everyday and I know in my heart that the Lord is not done using this man!!!

WHY ARE THERE CRUEL PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD ???

2007-08-18T19:41:00.000-04:00

This is my big question for everyone to ponder. Having cancer is no picnic. Having Melanoma whether you have Stage I or Stage IV is a living hell and yet there are those people out there that feel the need to judge me and other that have this awful disease !!! I guess because I have the luxury of NOT looking like I have cancer I deserve the ridicule and "ANON" emails and posts made on message boards that I am making up that I have this disease. It is really sad that people just don't try to educate themselves on this disease instead of saying hurtful and awful things to me and all the others that suffer and die everyday from this disease.

My very first post to all of you

2007-06-25T11:57:00.000-04:00

Wow I have only recently considered myself a survivor of Melanoma but I guess in a way we are all survivors if we are still here fighting this disease. These past few weeks have been so hard for me. I am still waiting on the second staining pathology report to come back on my tongue biopsy and I still have that very annoying tingling feeling where the tip use to be. The doctor says I may always have that. I guess it could be worse though hugh?? My biggest struggle with this disease though is seeing others passing from it on the MPIP board. A few years ago I befriended a wonderful girl named Michelle Caldwell. We met through the board and while Jay and I were in the Lancaster area one weekend Michelle and her husband met up with us for lunch on a Saturday afternoon. We hit it off and continued to stay in touch. Michelle and I were both stage 4'ers and knew what each was going through. We talked on the phone all the time. Then there came a time when Michelle wasn't doing well at all and Gregg, her husband, wanted to fly her to another hospital but she wasn't stable enough to make the flight. I packed my bags I jumped in my car and drove to Lancaster to be with my friend Michelle. When I got there I met Michelle's family for the first time. Her brother her twin sisters her aunt her grandparents and there sat Gregg, rubbing Michelle's head and kissing her hand over and over and over again and telling her "I Love you". When I walked in the room Greg jumped up and said to Michelle "Look Michelle, I told she would make it here, Christine is here" Michelle looked at me and with the little strength she had left she smiled and said to me " You didn't have to come all the way here but I am glad you did. Sorry I look so bad" I love you for coming" I told my friend that I wouldn't have it any other way and that I loved her too. That was the last time Michelle was able to speak to me. I stayed by her bedside for the next 5 days never leaving except to go to the bathroom and to get a deli platter for her faily so they could eat. I made sure they all went home at night and I stayed up with her. I wanted to make sure they all got some rest. I convinced Gregg that it was time to just let Michelle go and they she was just not strong enough to make the flight. The doctors had said that there was a great risk that she would die in transit and none of us wanted to see that happen. It took 4 days for a bed to be available in the hospice house. The morning they were getting ready to transport her, her aunt asked if I would assist her in giving Michelle a bath and I did. That had to be the hardest thing I have ever done. I saw first hand what this horrible disease does to a persons body towards the end and let me tell you it's not pretty. After that I got the entire family together. We stood in a circle around Michelle hand in hand and hands on Michelle and I lead us all in pray. At the end we each took a turn saying a pray for Michelle and when we all said AMEN together we turned around and there was the transport crew. Once we got her settled at hospice I had my time with Michelle told her how much I loved her how much I was going to miss her and how sorry I was that she had this disease. Said my goodbye's to her said my good bye's to her family and took my 3 hour drive home in the same clothes I started out in 5 days prior. It's been a long journey for me since then. These past few weeks have been the hardest for me though. There have been quite a few on the board that I have been following and I get upset when I see them decline and some have passed on and I struggle with why do I get to continue to dodge the bullet???? I cry almost everyday about it. I am not saying that I should be the one to die here and I am not saying that they should be the one to die either I guess I am saying that this disease just SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!! When I was at my Melanoma Doctor's office last week and I was talking to the nurse Rosa, who I just love, I told her how I was feeling. Rose reminded me of everything I have been through with all the complications with the high dose IL-2, all of the major surgeries I have had, how sick I have been. She reminded me that this has not been a walk in the park for me and that I should not feel guilty. I guess that's what it is I feel guilty that I am here still living and they are not and it just doesn't seem fair......