My very first post to all of you

Wow I have only recently considered myself a survivor of Melanoma but I guess in a way we are all survivors if we are still here fighting this disease. These past few weeks have been so hard for me. I am still waiting on the second staining pathology report to come back on my tongue biopsy and I still have that very annoying tingling feeling where the tip use to be. The doctor says I may always have that. I guess it could be worse though hugh?? My biggest struggle with this disease though is seeing others passing from it on the MPIP board. A few years ago I befriended a wonderful girl named Michelle Caldwell. We met through the board and while Jay and I were in the Lancaster area one weekend Michelle and her husband met up with us for lunch on a Saturday afternoon. We hit it off and continued to stay in touch. Michelle and I were both stage 4'ers and knew what each was going through. We talked on the phone all the time. Then there came a time when Michelle wasn't doing well at all and Gregg, her husband, wanted to fly her to another hospital but she wasn't stable enough to make the flight. I packed my bags I jumped in my car and drove to Lancaster to be with my friend Michelle. When I got there I met Michelle's family for the first time. Her brother her twin sisters her aunt her grandparents and there sat Gregg, rubbing Michelle's head and kissing her hand over and over and over again and telling her "I Love you". When I walked in the room Greg jumped up and said to Michelle "Look Michelle, I told she would make it here, Christine is here" Michelle looked at me and with the little strength she had left she smiled and said to me " You didn't have to come all the way here but I am glad you did. Sorry I look so bad" I love you for coming" I told my friend that I wouldn't have it any other way and that I loved her too. That was the last time Michelle was able to speak to me. I stayed by her bedside for the next 5 days never leaving except to go to the bathroom and to get a deli platter for her faily so they could eat. I made sure they all went home at night and I stayed up with her. I wanted to make sure they all got some rest. I convinced Gregg that it was time to just let Michelle go and they she was just not strong enough to make the flight. The doctors had said that there was a great risk that she would die in transit and none of us wanted to see that happen. It took 4 days for a bed to be available in the hospice house. The morning they were getting ready to transport her, her aunt asked if I would assist her in giving Michelle a bath and I did. That had to be the hardest thing I have ever done. I saw first hand what this horrible disease does to a persons body towards the end and let me tell you it's not pretty. After that I got the entire family together. We stood in a circle around Michelle hand in hand and hands on Michelle and I lead us all in pray. At the end we each took a turn saying a pray for Michelle and when we all said AMEN together we turned around and there was the transport crew. Once we got her settled at hospice I had my time with Michelle told her how much I loved her how much I was going to miss her and how sorry I was that she had this disease. Said my goodbye's to her said my good bye's to her family and took my 3 hour drive home in the same clothes I started out in 5 days prior. It's been a long journey for me since then. These past few weeks have been the hardest for me though. There have been quite a few on the board that I have been following and I get upset when I see them decline and some have passed on and I struggle with why do I get to continue to dodge the bullet???? I cry almost everyday about it. I am not saying that I should be the one to die here and I am not saying that they should be the one to die either I guess I am saying that this disease just SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!! When I was at my Melanoma Doctor's office last week and I was talking to the nurse Rosa, who I just love, I told her how I was feeling. Rose reminded me of everything I have been through with all the complications with the high dose IL-2, all of the major surgeries I have had, how sick I have been. She reminded me that this has not been a walk in the park for me and that I should not feel guilty. I guess that's what it is I feel guilty that I am here still living and they are not and it just doesn't seem fair......