A Very Sad Day For Myself and others...

I don't even know how to start this entry. Yesterday I had my mom come over in the afternoon to stay with the boys so I could run some errands. It's just easier sometimes to get in and out of the stores by myself than with 2 little boys. Anyway, when I left my house I drove the opposite direction of the way I needed to be going. Okay so no biggie I figured an alternate way to get to AC Moore going the way I was going. I get to AC Moore get what I need, walk out of the store and I am not one to just walk out into the parking lot without stopping to make sure there is not a car coming but this time I did not even stop or look I just walked right out into the parking lot like I was the only person there. Well next I know I here brakes screeching and horn blowing a a lady screaming with a cell phone up to her ear and I thought to myself " maybe I should have brought the boys with me because if they were with me I KNOW I NEVER would have done that just now". So now I get in my car thinking I am just out of sorts because I am not use to being out by myself without kids!?! I start my car and start to drive to Shoprite to pick up stuff for dinner. Everything is going fine until I realize that I am almost at my house and I never stopped at Shoprite. So I turn around, head towards Shoprite got to an intersection that I drive about 30 times a day and I go the wrong way on the ONE WAY ROAD!!!! Now I am thinking WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME!!??????!!!! I get to Shoprite get the items I need, I think, and now I am on my way home. My poor mother has probably thought I have taken off to Atlantic City by now or something close to that. I am driving along and my phone beeped letting me know I got a text message. I knew it could be from only one person..My friend Tammy Brown. I picked up my phone from the seat to see what it said the time was 5:57:54 PM (EST) The message read : "Brycey left us today. Kick Mel's butt for him!"I screamed in my car "GOD NO!!!! NO NO NO GOD NO !!!!" I pulled over and called Tammy when she answered all I could hear was my dearest friend sobbing. There was no "Hello" between us. I immediately said "Tell me you made a mistake typing" "This is a mistake right" Tammy this isn't true right" Please Tammy tell me Bryce didn't pass PLEASE TAMMY PLEASE!!" But all I hear was Tammy say to me " You need to kick it's ass for Bryce. I fell to pieces!!!!! I got to hear the sound of Bryce's voice a few days ago right before the put the feeding tube in him. We spoke briefly on the phone and I am SO grateful for the last few seconds of hearing his voice. As I sit here right now typing and crying I can still hear his voice from that day. He sounded so weak. WE both thanked each other for having known each other. We both praised GOD!!! We both said "I love you my friend".
I have only had the pleasure of having Tammy and Bryce in my life for only a few months but the impact they have both made on me has made it seem and feel like a lifetime. Tammy is like a sister to me and Bryce well he is like....He is like what you hope and pray you own boys grow up and be like!!!

So for my friend Bryce Brown may you rest in peace my friend. May you know how much you are loved, missed and never forgotten.
For my dearest friend Tammy... I love you so very much, I will continue to walk beside you. I promise to continue Bryce's fight and as I get ready to embark on hitting the local high schools and talking to them about tanning and this beast we call Melanoma I will do in honor of your husband and soul mate and my friend Bryce Brown.

What I am thankful for!!

I want to share a layout with all of you that I had done a few months ago. I loved these photos I had taken of the boys in the back yard and decided to use them in a circle journal I am a part of. The journal topic was "What you are thankful for" so this is what I came up with. ENJOY!!!

I really enjoyed picking out all the elements that went into this layout. I inked all the chipboard letters and the cardstock edges. I had just gotten my new Epson personal photo printer and was having fun being able to print 2x2 photos!!! Can you tell???











This is the journaling on the inside flap it reads:
"This is Zachery A.K.A Zachey Poo. He is my miracle boy!! Born 3 1/2 wks early and with fluid on his brain, we were not sure that he would make it but here he is. He has my personality!!! He is kind,sweet,fun,loving and a clown!!! There is a soft gently side to him that is so touching. Sometimes he gets me so mad and then the next minute he comes up on my lap and runs his hand on my face and says "mommy I wish I could take my hands all over your body and wipe all the cancer off of you" and I just look in his eyes and say "me too buddy" and we hug and kiss each other and tell each other how much we love each other and then I tickle him so I can hear his cute laugh. I tell him and his brother that he is my sun my moon my stars and my rainbow my everything!! I live for my 2 boys!!!

























Nathan's Journaling reads: This is Nathan A.K.A Don Won. He is my BIG FLIRT!!! He can sniff out a pretty girl 15 blocks away and play shy at the drop of a dime!!! One of mine and Nathan's favorite things to do is play Fuzzy Face". That's when we rub the sides of our faces together on each others cheecks... "Fuzzy Face". I love that when I pick him up at the end of his day at pre-school he is always excited to see me and runs to me saying "mommie"it makes my heart smile so big!!! When I go away I leave notes for him and his brother and I tell them that the angels bring them and puts them under their pillow at nights so they can find them in the morning. They love finding those notes when mommy is away and I love hearing their excited voices when they tell me about their notes.



Just about 85% of my scrapbooking is about Zachery and Nathan. I am starting to scrapbook more about me and my cancer. I am also starting to work on albums for other cancer survivors and for families that have lost loved ones to this beast of a disease Melanoma. I have 4 gorgeously designed albums ready to ship off to a husband that lost his wife recently to Melanoma. My Friend Shannon recently lost her battle a few months back and I really struggles with this loss!!! When she called me I wasn't able to call her back because I had just had the tip of my tongue removed and I too was facing some serious health issues so we emailed each other. She got more sick and went downward rather quickly. I withdrew after having been at Michelle's bedside 5 day's before she had passed I just knew what Shannon was going through and for my own selfish reasons I just could not go through it again. She had called again but I could not bring myself to return the call. Then I got the phone call 8 am Sunday morning while I should have been waking up to get ready for church my best friend called to tell my that Shannon had passed. I sat up in my bed and I cried so hard. I was so disappointed in myself and ashamed!!! How could I turn my back on my friend. I had been friend's with Shannon for 3 years and when she needed me most I turned my back out of fear!! I went into a very dark place a huge slump a plce I would go every so often when the Melasuckonoma would just get to be just too much for me to take anymore. It's a place where I don't let anyone in...not my friends, not my family, not even GOD. It's a cold dark place. I don't allow any food or drinking there because that would show surviving and that's not allowed there. All that was allowed there was self pitty and that was it!!! So there I was in my "Special place" not returning phone calls...ignoring the doorbell and knocks on the door...not eating...not showering.... taking care of the kids because I had no choice....but that was it.....nothing more nothing less...and then one day something happened to me. I got in my car and drove down the street to my church and poped in on my pastor unannounced. He had a small amount of time to talk with me but I can't even tell you what that 30 minutes did for me!!! He told me that I was more mad at myself than Shannon probably was and that I was probably more of a friend to her than I was giving myself credit for. He said that I needed to stop feeling so bad about being a survivor and decide what I was going to do with it. It was right there that I went home and felt the need to do something for Shannon's family to help them live with Shannon's memories. I went onto one of my scrapbooking message boards and made a post asking some ladies if they would help me with a project. The response I got was overwhelming!!! Ladies from PA to Canada to Hawaii to Alaska all came together, read Shannon's blog and each and every one of them made beautiful 12x12 scrapbook layouts and sent them to me. Some even printed out pictures from Shannon's blog and used them on the layouts others made the layouts and left them so that Ed and his family can decide what pictures they can use. I had albums donated from a Scarpbook store called the Crop Room and my friend Julie donated some as well. There is a special album just for Ed of layouts done up to celebrate the life and love that him and Shannon shared. There are 3 more albums, 1 is dedicated to camping, they loved to go camping, this one also includes some holiday layouts, another album is dedicated to their daughter Allanah and the final album is dedicated to their son Ryan. All of these layouts are geared towards putting pictures in of them with Shannon.
In my next post I will post some of my favorite layouts from these albums so you all can get an idea of the love that went into this.
I spoke with Ed a few nights ago to tell him what I had put together for him and the kids. He was in tears!!! He said that Shannon spoke about me alot and how she found it easy to be herself when she would talk to me. She said I was the closest thing to being a wise ass just like her and that's why she felt that way chatting with me. I really miss emailing with her. Every time I am cleaning up my IN box of emails I come across her last email to me and I read it and cry just a little. I still can't hit that "delete" button.
Anyway I will be carrying this big supper heavy box to the post office tomorrow to send off to Ed and the kids.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ZACHERY!!!

I am sitting here getting ready to go to bed but before I can I have one more very important thing I MUST do!! I have to make a Birthday card to leave under Zachery's pillow from the Birthday Fairy. He is so excited about his birthday!! Tomorrow he is turning 6 years old and I just can not believe it!!! 6 years old!!! I just don't know where the time has gone!!! I think back to when I was 5 months pregnant with him and hearing that he had fluid on the brain and the high risk there was with giving birth to him, I was already a high risk with having the cancer but this added to it. Plus I had a very high HCG level that was still tripling every week. I was HUGE to say the least and had to have 2 different types of stress testing done every week. They tried to induce me 3 different times but he was having no part of it. The fourth trip the intern was going to send me home until I grabbed his shirt and told him this baby was coming out of me one way or another if I had to take matters into my own hands I would but no way was I going home again!!! 32 hours of hard labor, a failed epidural and a husband that kept falling asleep and eating in front of me and him and a friend standing at my feet chanting "Push him out push him out Rah Rah Rah" and then suddenly Zachery's heart rate dropped and before I knew it they were running my bed down to the surgical suite. They did an emergency C-section. When they first got him out of me there was no crying, no screaming, not a sound.... the nurses rushed him over to the warmer and I could hear them talking and I hear the doctor ask for the Apgar and the nurse tells him 3. I looked at Jay and I said that's not good go be with the baby...then we hear a little tiny cry they said I could have a quick look but they needed to get the baby to the nursery. I thought I would see my baby soon after. A few hours later while I was resting in my room my parents showed up to see their new grandson. The look on their faces when they walked in my room after going to the nursery scared the crap out of me...I still had not held my baby boy. My mom asked if I had seen the baby yet at which I replied no they have not been in with him yet, she looked at me and started to cry. I started yelling that someone had better tell me what the hell is going on that's when a nurse came in and told me. Zachery still had some fluid on the brain but there was another problem...both of his lungs were full of fluid and he is having a hard time breathing on his own. They need to take him to the NI CU unit to be watched and taken care of. Zachery was 2 1/2 days old before I got to hold him for the very first time!!! And now....well now I just never want to let go of him!!!!! Anytime I go away I leave notes for him and his brother Nathan and the notes are always from an "Angel" letting them know how much mommy loves them. I tell them that I can e-mail the angels and that I can call them on special cell phones. Zachery has had to watch me go through so much with my cancer battle and as I was finding these pictures to post tonight I was actually looking for a certain layout that I had taken a pic of that I did recently that I wanted to post, if I find it I will post it another time. Zachery's birthday is always like an anniversary for me because it's like I made it another year!!! I came so close to losing him when he was born, that poor baby was born so sick...8 days in NI CU and then when he was 8 weeks old he ended up back in the hospital with meningitis and that was scary as well. He is a special little boy!!! So Happy Birthday Zachery!!! Mommy Loves Whole Big Huge Bunches!!!!

Lost and then Found !!!!
Yes that's right... the one time very lost media cards have been found!!! On Thursday October 4th at exactly 9:56 EST after I had torn my entire scrapping area apart for what has felt like the 100th time looking for the scandisk case I keep them in, I once agaain looked in this small black tool bag that I have some 6x6 layout kits in. I had looked in there so many other times but I had only looked in the front were I would have thought I would put it, this time I decided to look towards the back and BAM!!!! There they were!!!!
And I was just thinking to myself....and don't laugh..."Geez I remember when I used to be Catholic we use to pray to some saint some type of prayer when we had something lost and we needed it found, I sure we I could remember that darn prayer right now" and then suddenly that was when I found them....
Guess that saint heard me thinking about that.
In any case I will be back in my photo shooting mode and it's gonna be a nice weekend too.
Tomorrow I promised Zachery I would take him to a Field Hockey game after school. His Kindergarten teacher is an assistant coach on the high school team so I thought he would like that. After we are going for ice cream just me and him and the camera.
Come back tomorrow to see the pics of our special time together.
Until then....
Christine

"I Find you SIMPLY Fascinating "

This is what was told to me today while I sat wearing a lovely white paper robe. A man I had just met....well..okay he was the dermatologist that I was seeing for the first time but still he is a Man and this was the first time we had ever met...Anyway he kept saying that he found me to be "Simply Fascinating"! Wait a minute!! It wasn't really me that he found Simply Fascinating it was my Melanoma that he found Simply Fascinating!!! Well isn't that just a kick in the ass??? Here I am sitting there just about naked for the first time in YEARS in front of a man and he has the nerve to find my stupid cancer SIMPLY FASCINATING....NOT ME !!!!!! There you have it once again I lose out to this stupid cancer I just can't win can I??? Then to add salt to my wounds, so to speak, he decides he needs to do 2, not just 1 but 2 skin biopsies. Yeah because once he used his groovy little black light thing it turns out what everyone though was viteligo is NOT viteligo. It seems that this doctor thinks that my body is having a long term toxic reaction to the high dose IL-2 I had done back in 2003. this now makes this the 3rd doctor to suggest this. Of course my cancer doctors say "No Way! Impossible" I had another doctor not too long ago suggest that the Il-2 had reeved up my immune system so much that now my immune system is attacking my own body and that the cancer is not killing me but in fact it's my own immune system now that is killing me. Since April to today I have now lost a total of 84 pounds. Trust me I could stand to lose about 60 more and still live but how it's happening is no picnic for me. What is going on everyday with my body is getting worse and I can see the signs that Dr. B spoke to me about being malnourished. My throat pain is only getting worse and talking has become more painful for me. My most recent PET/CT showed an uptake in the vocal cord and adenoids. It also showed an uptake in the left ovary and the right femur. the right femur was such a small uptake that I have decided to just wait and watch this as it may be another case of bone marrow again. The ovary well... I went through the same thing with the right one and when we removed the right one there was a tumor, it was not Melanoma yet but the report read that it had the potential to turn into Melanoma. I really can't go for any surgery right now with my mom still recovering from her ordeal and all she is doing is laying around. She left her spirometer at the hospital so now her throat is hurting and she won't let me get her another one. She is tired and weak from laying around and I was afraid this would happen. My father won't leave the house because he doesn't want to leave her alone. My dad calls me 4 times a day and when I tell him I can't talk he gets upset and wants to know why he doesn't understand how painful it is for me to talk. Then if he does come over for 10 minutes he lights up a stupid cigarette and I start coughing my head off. I love my dad but for crying out loud!!! I have cancer, my throat is killing me, you have lung disease do you really think it's doing either one of us any good you lighting that stupid ugly thing up in my freaking face????


OKAY.......I am done venting.... Can you all guess that I did not have a very good day today?? I think the dermatologist just set me off.. Sorry about all that.
I promise to make a happier post tomorrow.

Oh one more thing I need a HUGE PRAYER... I can not find my media cards for my camera and if you know me you know I can not even go a day without shooting pictures of the kids playing outside so this could be another reason for my crankiness right now. So please if you could pray that I am able to find them soon I would appreciate it Thanks!!!