I have to say I don't really bitch to awfully much about having this disease but lately I am getting sick of having it. Monday I had the pleasure of having a colonoscopy and I am still not feeling quite myself yet. Monday I am scheduled for a PET/CT where I get to drink Barium before the 3 hour test and I am not able to eat or drink for 6 hours prior to having the test. Then the next day I have to be at the hospital at 9 am sharp to see the doctor that did the colonoscopy because he said that it was important that he talks to me. Okay so that doesn't worry me at all right?? Then I have to see the Pulmunologist because my chest xray showed a bulge in the right lung and I have had this wicked cough that has gotten worse since April and I am having a hard time breathing. My Sed Rate has been sky high and I can't keep anything in me and I am dropping weight like crazy which is the only thing that is not bothering me right now. I have a ton of scrapping jobs on my plate right now, craft fairs coming up and I realy don't have time to be laid up with tests and doctors appointments. It seems like this stupid disease always messes up things around this time of year for me!!! Always when I have a chance to make some money so that for one year I can actually make Christmas happen for my kids without having to rely on the people from my church making it happen for them. Just once I would like to be the one putting the smiles on their cute little faces. Today Nathan had an accident in his pants because I was in the bathroom going potty and he started crying. I told him that I was not mad at him and that I just needed him to take his shoes off so I could change his pants but he got mad and said it was my fault that he peed his pants. Lately him and Zachery seem to be blaming everything that goes wrong on me. I guess because they hear their dad blaming everything on me so they figure they should blame everything on me too. I started crying when Nathan blamed peeing in his pants on me. I felt like what next??? What will they blame on me next??? I already carry on my shoulders that if either one of them end up with this horrible disease that it will be because of me so what next???? My mom blames me for me having Melanoma, I blame me for having it, my kids blame me for everything that goes wrong in their little lives everyday, my husband blames me for our failed marriage, I blame myself for my failed life so what next????? About the only thing I feel like I can ever do right is minister to others in their time of need that's it...so I guess that's what's next.....
Peace and love to all...
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3 comments:
You WILL get through this. You made such a selfless act of love by giving Bryce your coin; the coin that helped see you through your darkest hours. It has seen him through several, and the tumor under the coin shrunk after radiation! We will hold that coin and pray for you--we will pray that you have the courage to face this demon again. We will pray that you get back on your feet, hold your head high, and realize that you are a beautiful, wonderful, selfless, giving, loving mother and friend. Don't let the words of people who don't understand this disease get you down. This disease does not discriminate, it is not something anybody chooses, and it definitely isn't your fault. Know that we love you, we're praying for you, and we think you're an amazing woman. May you hold your head high and KNOW that you are amazing. I wish I could be out there to help you with your boys during this scary time.
With love and total admiration,
Tammy, Bryce and Dani
Christine, I am so sorry to hear about demon C chasing you again. Please know that you are being prayed for in Utah. I have been following Tammy and Bryces blog and feel like I know you a little. I have worked with Tammy for the last 5 years. I love the moral and spiritual support you have given her and Bryce and Dani.
And now for you my dear, please think of good health and good thoughts and think of yourself as healthy and perfect. All positive thoughts help with healing your body. Negative ones do not. You have touched my soul and heart with your belief and strength you have offered others. Its time to do the same for you. You are a magnificent human being, a masterpiece made by God, his way is perfection hold onto that thought and add whatever happy thoughts to it you can. I know with all my heart that this works. Love and prayers to you and for you. -Rhonda
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